Trauma and Holiday Stress

By Therapist Cyndee Dormans

Strategies for Coping

The holiday season is upon us! It's that time of year when families are gathered together, and holiday traditions begin. It's a time of celebrations and parties with extended family members, friends, co-workers, and neighbors; traveling, shopping, and busy schedules. Society and culture often promote the holiday season as "the most wonderful time of the year"; but for children, teens, and their families who have experienced abuse and trauma, and the ripple effects that occur following disclosure, it becomes a time of even greater stress, anxiety, grief, fear, isolation, loneliness, and depression. Emotional and physical distance is often necessary, to ensure children remain safe; especially if the abuser was a family member. The holidays become another reminder of the pain suffered, the losses that follow, and the betrayal that is felt.

Disclosures of abuse often tear families apart and can destroy relationships forever. Sadly, children who disclose, often are blamed for "breaking up the family" or "ruining family traditions"; and so it becomes critical to let your child know that the abuse is never their fault. Be sure they know you are someone they can talk to, that you believe what happened, and that they can trust you to keep them safe. It's not uncommon for some people to believe that talking about the abuse will cause a child more pain; but giving your child permission to do so, will validate their experience, and promote healing.

For abuse victims and their families, the holiday season can bring increased turmoil and stress. Parents and primary caregivers are faced with decisions on whether or not to attend a family gathering or participate in an annual tradition or celebration. If you do choose to attend, how can you be sure your child remains safe? How can you describe why a child, teen, or another family member may not be acting their usual self? On the other hand, if you choose not to attend an event, how can you explain that to others? Either decision can be a potential trigger for further hurt, confusion, grief, and loneliness.

Here are some general strategies for coping with stress, to ensure that you, and your loved ones, stay healthy and safe this holiday season:

• Be realistic about what to expect and permit yourself to change things up this year.

• It's okay to set boundaries, and decline invitations; learn to say no, and practice self-care.

• As difficult as it may be to do, as you journey through the chaos and busyness of the season, try to keep as much of a daily routine or schedule as possible, as this provides comfort and security to a child.

• Get enough sleep, eat regularly, and find ways to stay physically active.

• Make a plan to get extra support throughout the season; whether that's scheduling extra sessions with a mental health provider or keeping any other appointments you may have already scheduled (rather than canceling because you just "don't have the time anymore").

• Attend a support group or fitness class, make plans with close friends or trusted loved ones to do daily "check-ins", or start a new holiday tradition with your children and family.

Here are a few tips to support children in getting through a potentially difficult holiday season that may be filled with trigger reactions, traumatic memories, and strained or broken relationships:

• Talk to your child or teen about the upcoming holiday season. Allow them to talk about their feelings, their worries and fears, their hopes and expectations. Let them know you hear them, that they are not alone, and that you will help them get through this, because the holidays likely will be different for everyone this year.

• Be sensitive to the fact your child may be missing certain family members, or that they may not understand why things have to change this year, why some invitations have to be declined, or why certain holiday traditions are no longer being followed. They also may fear being blamed for all the changes and decisions being made or worry that other family members will not believe that any abuse even occurred. Let your children know that it makes sense why they may be feeling sad, confused, angry, disappointed, anxious, or fearful.

• Let them know each day what your plans are and allow them to ask questions, or express concerns.

• Remind them that even when they are around family, they have the right to say "no" to any requests for hugs, even if it's from a grandparent or favorite relative.

• Identify at least one "safe" person at every gathering or event, who is aware of your child's trauma and can help monitor your child. This person can help observe for any behaviors that may indicate an increase in emotional distress or sensory overload.

• Anticipate any potential triggers that may arise, and have a pre-planned "exit strategy" for how to get out of an uncomfortable situation or conversation.

• Identify a word or phrase that can be said by your child, or teen, to signal distress, anxiety, fear, or a need to be "rescued" from a difficult or challenging scenario.

• Identify or establish a pre-determined comment or response that can be utilized to explain why you and your family may need to leave an event or gathering.

• Create a portable "coping kit" that a child can bring with them, wherever they are, to help them manage their stress. For younger children, that may be a favorite pillow, blanket, or stuffed toy, a coloring book and crayons, or a book they love to read. For older children, it could be a journal or notebook to draw or write in, access to their favorite music, or a preferred fidget or sensory item that can help them stay grounded.

• When feeling overwhelmed or stressed, focus on your five senses (sight, hearing, taste, touch, smell), to help manage those feelings. For example, watching a favorite movie or show; listening to a favorite song, podcast, or audiobook; having a cup of your favorite soothing hot drink; snuggling with a favorite person, pet, or blanket; and inhaling a favorite scent, aroma, or diffused essential oil.

• Practice deep breathing, take a nap, practice mindfulness, turn off your phone for a bit, or take a break from social media.

The holiday season may now be upon us, but know that you can decide how that will look for your family this year. Permit yourself to change things up, and choose how your time and energy will be spent. Focus on the needs of your family and don't feel pressure to conform to the expectations of others. Use this season to create new traditions and memories for your family. Reach out to your support system as needed. Practice self-care and just be present. Listen to your child, and encourage them to suggest ideas for new activities for your family to participate in. Have daily "check-ins" with your loved ones, and have faith in knowing that the healing process has already begun!